On German

Some time ago, when the Covid-19 forced an almost total shutdown of my country, I found myself locked in my house, alone, only with an internet connection. I spent the initial days in fear. My life was rhythmed by the essential trips to my workplace and the once-a-week shopping trip to the local supermarket. I took the lockdown really seriously and I followed the recommendations of the authorities. It finally proved to be useless, since nobody respected the rules, and as a result, now my country is hit by a second wave of infection, even stronger than the first one. I remained isolated for about a month and a half. Nobody called me, nobody cared about me. It is at that moment when I realized that I am alone and I should not expect anything from anyone. I knew it theoretically, but fortunately or not, I experienced it first-hand. Now it is beyond any doubt that nobody cares about my whereabouts.

Being left alone and with a lot of time on my hands, I had to find something to do with that time. I kept writing in English on this blog until I realized that I was mainly talking to myself. So I said farewell and remained silent for almost a month. As the lockdown was eased, I could go back outside and take photos of the flowers in the garden, and consequentially I continued the photography articles. But I couldn’t really find words to write anything more. It was traumatic to be alone with myself and I cannot forget that. Yes, I am not comfortable to be myself and to spend time with myself… you got that right.

As one day linked to another, I remembered my advice from one of my last English articles: do something with this free time during the pandemic, do something you postponed for years maybe, see this time as an opportunity and not as a distressing event. I searched my mind and found nothing. I was ahead of a huge period of time with nothing to do, an eternity… And then, I remembered my master of psychotherapy, who used to tell us that “eternity was invented so as to learn the German language”. That made me laugh. But then I realized that, in front of me, there was actually “an eternity”, and the only suitable thing to do with all this time was… to learn German. Fortunately, someone gave me the solution for spending “my” eternity (well, it was a joke, but I took it literally). So, not having anything else to do, I started to do… just that.

Now, there is also an obscure reason for my choice. My grandparents from my father’s side spoke German, but this language was never passed to my father. Then my father died and the connection was lost. I thought that it is a good idea to reconnect – spiritually – with my grandparents (also very dead themselves as well). I know, for some of you this doesn’t matter so much. But for me it is important to feel my ancestors – good or evil – in myself. It gives me a foundation – an emotional and symbolical foundation – but a strong foundation. So yes, this was also my motivation to start learning German. However, my main drive remains boredom – and infinite boredom – something I cannot describe with all the words in the world… This is me, easily bored, easily understimulated, always restless and always seeking something to experiment or build.

So… I welcome the German language as my 4th and last language I want to learn during this lifetime, and also as an official language on my website! This blog remains essentially in English, but as you know, I also reply in Romanian or French if I am asked directly and I decide that an answer is needed. During the next period I hope to write only in German, with occasional digressions in English when it comes about photography, music or really important issues. I write in “simple” German and this is good news because it can be easily translated back to any language you want, using the Google Translate button I installed on any article (on the right sidebar if you’re seeing my blog on a computer, or to the bottom of the page if you’re on mobile).

What I write about? Anything. I prefer short texts because it takes me an enormous amount of time (which is sometimes good when I have an eternity before me). I see this endeavor as a personal project and therefore I created a separate page on the blog – Auf Deutsch – where all the German articles are automatically listed. Everything I write is organized for the first time ever as a “weblog” (from which the term “blog” comes from). This means that I write in the format of a log about what I encounter during my day, especially what touches me emotionally. It is, however, not a “serious” or “scientific” or “psychological” approach, but rather a (peculiarly) funny and relaxed way to kill time. And, if you already know me well, you know that I am paramount serious when I’m joking, as I like to evoke tough stuff in a sugarcoated and veiled manner…

I use this opportunity to tell to those still harassing me for my Romanian language articles to… go to hell! I wanted at some point to help and educate the Romanians reading me, so I wrote about psychiatry and psychology quite a lot. I ended up being hated, intimidated and threatened with death. This made me give up writing in Romanian, which is far easier for me since it’s my mother tongue. Now I can assure my critics that I won’t bother anyone anytime anyhow with any more Romanian texts. So yes, go to hell!

Solitude was one of my worst fears for many years… I could say for almost my entire life. I did everything I could not to be alone. The month I spent in Coronavirus isolation taught me that I am essentially alone not only at a rational level, but also at an emotional one. It is hard for me to believe what I will write next, but I stand by my words. Don’t contact me anymore! Leave me in peace! Don’t ask for my advice and don’t pretend you are my friend because you want something from me or because you want to play games with me! If you want to offer me a business opportunity or you want to do something with me that is beneficial for both of us, that’s okay! But don’t bother me anymore if you want something from me! I was alone during the Coronavirus lockdown and I am alone now. I can survive alone. I learned that the hard way. Don’t be surprised if I’m not answering to your emails, if I’m not approving your comments on this blog or if I’m not answering to your phone calls. I had enough with false friends! I had enough with people trying to use me to their personal benefit or interest! If you want to keep reading this blog, go ahead! If you have something nice to tell me, I’ll be glad to read it. But if you want to put me down, I prefer to be the loneliest person in the world rather than be in your presence or be connected in any way with you!

This being said, I wish you a great time!

4 thoughts on “On German

  1. Domnule Doctor, 🙂
    Nu esti singur. “It takes two to tango”. Eu, cel putin, asa fac, daca nu ma cauta nimeni, ii caut eu. O vreme. Cu totii amanam, cu totii asteptam exact momentul potrivit ca sa contactam pe cineva, cu totii suntem distrati pana la exasperare de internet si “social media”. Asa ca pentru prietenii mei, le acord “the benefit of the doubt” si consider ca si ei sunt ca si mine, si atunci, cand ma gandesc la ei, uneori chiar ii sun, sau le scriu, sau le trimit SMS. Sa ai o zi buna!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. L M

    Cezar,

    Your attitude appeals to me “I like to evoke tough stuff in a sugarcoated and veiled manner…” Also your humor and bluntness to the Romanians waiting for Romanian writing? “So yes, go to hell!” The rare appreciation of ancestral traits and values~yes, that’s real.

    I selfishly hope you will still write in English, only because I have not mastered Google translate. The pandemic has forced me to upgrade tech skills at a time when I never thought I’d have to. What has emerged is acute awareness of recognition hunger. Deafness started the process and my extraction from game playing accelerated the journey. Disease with masks closed off, (or delayed) opportunities. Thank you for the energy you put into the blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your words! For the moment I stopped writing on the blog. I haven’t write in Romanian for more than a year and I will not write again because I judge it to be too dangerous for me, especially since it’s (again) elections time. I am at some sort of cross-road now, not knowing what to do next with my blog, with my work here, what new project to start or if there is any need for something more from my part. I gradually withdrew from social media but I plan to leave the blog public and open for the moment. So… that’s it for now.

      Like

    2. Thanks for your message and for the 3 things you told me! All I can say is that everyone has talents in various areas and sometimes those talents can cross the needs of others and sometimes they don’t. Mines didn’t. I didn’t say I will stop writing completely; I’m just taking a long break. I learned over the years that, if one has nothing to say, it’s better to remain silent. It is not the first time I’m taking a long break; it’s just that my “offline” life needs more attention and I have less time for the online stuff. 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s