Why I Quit?

Why Quit

A question that haunts most of us: why do people quit jobs, quit relationships, quit countries, quit any situation or person?…

The answer is simple and straightforward: when someone’s personal values do not align with the values of a workplace or partner or group of people, that person, soon or later, will leave.

Now, I’ll be talking about persons who actually quit, because there is a huge group that will never or most likely won’t leave, out of fear or because they like to be victims or because they enjoy a form of dependence that will guarantee the existence of someone else to blame for their misfortune and provide much-needed resources at the same time. I’ll talk about those who are sufficiently free inside to do what is right when the time has come; those who have a decent amount of self-love or self-esteem.

Quitting is not easy. The moment you sign the resign paper, you perceive several facts and emotions. You face incertitude: what will I do next? You feel power: I actually have in my hand (or the tip of my pencil) the power to change my life (create or destroy a reality)! You feel fear: what if…? And you feel responsibility: what I do now will have an impact on my life, perhaps small, perhaps considerable!

The moment you wait in line for the security check at the airport, knowing you leave your country for many months or possibly forever, you have enough time to think about each and every decision you took, good or bad… The feeling of being torn apart is immense. You most likely ask yourself what were you thinking you’re doing?…

In the loneliness of your soul, when you’re having that inner dialogue with yourself, and you decide to leave your current relationship, you feel quite the same stuff. Is it the right thing to do? This situation often has extra burden: if you’re empathic, you think (actually feel) what the other person will feel when you tell her you want to end your common story… It is not nice to feel the despair of the other one… It is much more difficult than quitting a job…

In order to predict what someone will do, you need to know his/her values. It’s simple. Getting to know their values is however hard. You need to watch carefully how someone makes decisions and guess the substratum (in the name of what they do what they do?). Commonly, people do not make decisions using their main value, so you can be easily fooled. For instance, you might think people come to their job because they’re responsible, or passionate, or greedy (want money). Similarly, you might think someone stays in a relationship in the name of love or pleasure (sex). But there are often other values that motivate employees or lovers. Those values often respond to the character (archetype?) that particular person plays in their head (in their inner film/story/fantasy). For instance, in health care, over the years, I found a good number of persons motivated by justice or fairness (some sort of guardians or warriors that sacrifice themselves and take care of others, hence giving meaning to their life). The same fairness motivates many of my compatriots to leave my country for Western Europe (they left disgusted by corruption and abuse).

However, no matter the main motivating values, there is one aspect anyone should take in consideration when it comes to quitting: growth. People need to grow. This is a general requirement for staying in a situation – place or relationship. When you cannot move forward, when you cannot develop yourself, your skills, learn new stuff, experiment, do something new, that situation is approaching its death.

From my personal experience, while looking back at my life, I left every single relationship when there was nothing to be told or done or lived (either because that was my erroneous perception or because the other one wasn’t willing to move at the same time with me and in a common direction, or because the main value that was used as the foundation of the relationship was no longer satisfied). Same happened with my jobs: no professional evolution, no growth… no fun… no more…

Growth happens individually, both in relationships and professionally. A self-help book does the job if I’m in for personal development. Equally, a professional book. But when it comes to collective growth – which is much more interesting and rewarding – a relationship must be formed. There is this thing called “growing together” versus “growing separately”.

When you do your job which is meaningless and lacks growth, and you take some time from your leisure time to do meaningful professional stuff with someone else, sooner or later you will quit your job and continue with the second, more rewarding, job (the one you did in your free time). You grew separately! Why continue with your old job?

When you are passionate about some aspects of life and your partner is passionate about other aspects, at some point emerge discrepancies. This is “growing separately”. It gets tougher especially when one partner has stopped growing (or grows in areas that appear irrelevant to you) and the other continues its usual path. This would be “the partner is left behind”. If there are still common aspects for the couple, that’s okay. But after a while, while you grow and the other one does not grow together with you, you might get lonely, and ask yourself one day: What the hell am I doing with this partner? I feel stuck. At that point, only the main value that guarantees the existence of the couple might keep the couple together. Or any kind of fear (loneliness, old age) or dependence. But that couple has stopped its evolution, becomes aborted. There is no growth and… human nature will seek growth somewhere else… or with someone else…

Now, I’m fully aware that people aren’t so heavily influenced by growth in their decisions. The majority is too fearful, too dependent, enjoys the comfort of a well-paid job and a functional couple. But for those who enjoy asking questions and making sense of this life, this article might be a good start for meditation. It does not hold the truth; it simply highlights some aspects worth pondering on.

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6 thoughts on “Why I Quit?

  1. De acord in cea mai mare parte, indeosebi cu ideea de evolutie. Pana la urma, care e esenta? iubirea (fata de tine, fata de ceilalti – selectiv macar, daca nu suntem capabili de iubirea divina a tuturor – fata de ceea ce faci, fata de viata perceputa ca un miracol,etc), evolutia spirituala si sufleteasca, salvarea sufletului…
    In cazul job-urilor, de peste tot eu mi-am dat demisia din mai multe motive, de cele mai multe ori neavand “plasa de siguranta” prealabila asigurata (alt job/antreprenoriat), insa avand grija permanent sa am economii personale asigurate (pentru orice eventualitate, oricand ar fi cazul): plafonare/involutie sau plafonare si revolta, sila si pentru a nu face ceva ce nu era in acord cu constiinta mea (chestiuni care ce au cauzat probleme de sanatate preliminare – sila se somatizeaza incredibil! vomiti la propriu! poate ai experimentat si tu fenomenul).
    Iar legat de a ramane cu cineva din obisnuinta, frica de a trai singur/boala, dependenta, cazuri patologice, aceste situatii implicit exclud iubirea si evolutia si nu reprezinta relatii viabil functionale pe termen lung…si da, pare a fi regula…

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    • Citind ceea ce ai comentat pana acum, imi dai senzatia puternica a unuei structuri psihologice asemanatoare cu a mea, desi pe partea de feeling (INFJ). Pasiunea pentru o idee si nu pentru realitate, iubirea ce devine exaltata si transcende catre iubirea divina, tendinta de a apara pe cei neajutorati, pasiunea pentru corectitudine… Vine insa o vreme cand repetitivitatea unor experiente ne pune pe ganduri, si incepem sa ne orientam spre interior si spre asumptiile ce le credeam general-valabile.
      Nu stiu cine esti si nici nu conteaza asa de mult. Dar simt ca ai o viata plina de provocari intr-o lume imperfecta, in care esti tentat de multe ori sa porti cu abilitate o masca…

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    • Repetand acelasi test de-a lungul anilor (din curiozitate), am fost gasit succesiv INTJ, ENFJ, INFJ, ENTJ. Oricum, mi se pare util mai mult sa inteleg dinamica gandirii si zonele de dezvoltat, decat etichetarea. Si aceste tipuri psihologice sunt oricum preferinte, nu aspecte limitative sau scuze. In cazul meu, oscilatiile intre feeler si thinker sunt din cauza faptului ca sunt un T ce practic o meserie in zona social-umana, care solicita foarte mult F-ul. Este obositor, dar in acelasi timp pot lucra pe dezvoltarea zonelor mele mai slabe. Ironic, acum cand sunt propriul meu stapan si nu mai am calitatea de angajat ci de colaborator la clinica unde lucrez, testul ma gaseste ENTJ. Cu alte cuvinte, cand trebuie sa te lupti, te extrovertesti.

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