What I learned

Better to Fight

I’m writing this for my English-speaking friends from all the corners of this world, just to let you know about my whereabouts.

Some of you may already know that I recently left France after half a year of staying there. I want to share with you what I learned. The image of this article is taken from the blog of one of my friends and sums up everything I want to say. It is also my desktop image for some time.

I learned that I can’t do everything. My strength has limits. It is depressing when you reach your limits and witness how vulnerable you actually are. Only fools believe they are omnipotent.

Despite working like an animal in a psychiatric prison-hospital, I was constantly under-stimulated. I thrive on creativity, intuition, challenge and adventure. My experience in France took away my energy almost entirely. Those simple-minded can’t understand what I mean; money is not enough, it is far-far away from what motivates me in life.

I learned I need Dream and Mystery in my life. I can’t explain this. You get it… or you don’t get it…

I learned that an immigrant like me has huge difficulties to get accepted and understood in a self-sufficient society. I used to know it’s hard; now I know how it feels. It’s a big difference between knowing a path and walking a path.

I learned that I would have probably died if it weren’t for this blog that acted like a venting area. I am grateful to WordPress for hosting and maintaining it.

I learned that guilt can haunt you, especially when you sacrifice love.

I learned that you can also get safety and security from other people, family, friends, acquaintances, etc., and getting security from money is an illusion. Money is only paper or electronic bits that can’t keep you warm.

I learned that nobody can give to me the love I give to myself. One day I found out that everybody, without exception, cares less about me than myself. I found out that I am the only one left to love myself. I felt terribly alone. But I also learned that I can emotionally rely on myself when everyone runs away. This is terribly narcissistic and I am fully aware of it.

I learned that I love power and control in and of my life, and without them this life is miserable. By returning in Romania I gained some of both.

I learned that if you love, you are loved back, but if you use someone, you’re poisoned back. Now I would rather not love someone than use someone.

I learned that when you do the right thing, the Universe is responding to you in a couple of hours or days, by surprisingly changing your situation. But if you don’t learn your lesson or you fail to do the right thing, the Universe can let you stuck in a situation for years, without the slightest empathy. I can’t explain this; I only witnessed it sufficiently enough to acknowledge it as a universal law.

I learned that our world is changing and the rules I know don’t apply in the present anymore. I learned that many of the old books can be safely burned.

I learned that I have a huge dark side that I accept even if I don’t like. I learned that light needs darkness to be light, and darkness needs light to be defined. And if a coin has one side, it must, necessary, have a second one.

I learned that more is not necessarily better.

I learned that my life is meaningless without emotions and behind all my actions stays a feeling, conscious or not. If you don’t feel, you get frozen. Perhaps others function in a different way, but I function like this.

I still believe I can and I will change the world.

I learned that I must live my values, and I want to live them now, not tomorrow or when the time is right, as I might not survive until tomorrow. Postponing life is something I’ll never do. That’s why I resigned instead of waiting for my contract to end naturally. Nobody could have given to me the lost time.

I learned how it is to wake up in the morning and regret you opened your eyes. I know how is to live a completely empty day. I know how it is to hope you don’t wake up tomorrow and desperately witness the fact that you actually woke up… This is the lowest point you can reach in life and I reached it; you can’t get more depressed beyond this point.

That’s all I wanted to share.

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2 thoughts on “What I learned

  1. Thank you for sharing! This is very intimate and it takes a great deal of strength to share all these thoughts and feelings with… well, the unknown universe that is out there 🙂

    Like

  2. Well, even if I am from Romania, I have friends all over the world, and I know some of them for more than 10 years. Across different websites, we find each other, again and again. The fact that they don’t comment publicly doesn’t mean we don’t keep in touch. 🙂

    Like

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