Written in Transactional Analysis style, on Thursday, March 7, 2013.
Legend has it that Grandpa D., from my father’s side, was a tough guy. Described as inflexible, despotic, an oppressor of the entire family, he always had a shadowy dark profile in my mind. Despite this, he was venerated, if not worshiped, by his entire family. Undoubtedly, a controversial guy.
Grandpa D., however, had a quality: he was ready to destroy everything in him and around him in the name of Truth. A monster, according to the nowadays standards, when Love is much more valued. He inherited from his family a different Christian belief. He wasn’t Orthodox. But he wasn’t a shallow guy at all. He began reading the Bible. It wasn’t enough. So he began to read German books and old versions of the Bible. One day, he discovered an inadvertence in the translation of some phrases from the old Bible to the Romanian version of the Bible. Due to a couple of essential phrases, he and his family, together with some other families, returned back to the Orthodox Church. In his town, he created a small revolution. I can hear the vivid discussions, using quotes from the various versions of the Bible. It must have been magnificent.
Grandpa D. lives in each of his descendants, including in myself. He is hidden deep in the inner-mind, daemon or protector, but he is there.
I am passionate about transactional analysis (TA), that’s for sure. From the moment our trainer taught it in a past psychotherapy seminar, I read 3 major books about it and I apply the knowledge from there in every aspect of my life. TA says that we have in us a scenario or script, created by us during the first 2-3 years of our life, based on the programming of our parental figures (mother, father, grandparents, etc.). The script is generated so as not to lose the parents’ love, and thus, it is incredible powerful. Being written at an early age, when language wasn’t available to us, it is mainly inaccessible. And, fortunately or not, it acts like our destiny. It’s good or bad depending on the programming of the parental figures. It might be the script of a winner or the one of a loser. And it even says when and how we’re going to die.
There are few people who managed to free themselves from the script. A “real man” would say words like: “I will do it”, “I won’t do it”, “I won”, “I lost”. A man who acts according to the script – I’ll call him an “actor” – would say sentences where you can find words like “if”, “but” or “and”. For instance, the “actor” says: “I’ll do it, but/if…”, “I won’t do it, but…”, “I won, but…”, “I lost, but…”.
The word “but” translates to “according to my script, I don’t have the permission to…”. That’s why Yoda, in Star Wars, says: “Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.” Same idea is written on the gravestone of Charles Bukowski: “Don’t try”.
In general, in a man’s script, the Mother tells you what to do and the Father tells you how to do it (for women is the opposite). And the script is reinforced by the Grandma, who is stronger than the Mother. The script acts like a spell; you can feel it deep in your soul; it whispers to your inner ear; and you cannot escape it.
In general, people don’t pay attention to the spell if it is positive – the script of a winner. But if they are unfortunate enough to have the script of a loser, they become very determined to fight against it. And here comes into play Grandpa D., a true guarding angel. Just like him, I started to read, and read, and read… Where is the key? Why am I so unhappy, so pessimistic? Finally, just like him, I crushed everything around me and in me, and I rebuilt myself several times. And in the end, the mists were scattered and the following script revealed itself.
“You are allowed to be successful in your profession, but you are not permitted to get closer to other people, to have friends, to get married and have children, to enjoy this life and fulfill your dreams. Whatever you do, anything you do, you will eventually fail. And you are not permitted to believe that things could turn otherwise”.
This is the spell, that soft voice from the background. And it is… my voice. It is Me who tells this to Myself.
Grandpa D. is a fanatic. He doesn’t like stuff like this. He broke many spells in the past (in fact, whole religious beliefs) and he won’t let his grandchild alone. So, he materialized himself from the depths of the subconscious mind. He said to me that, at this time, I cannot rely on my feelings and my inner voice, until the spell is broken, because the spell will, surely, softly and imperceptibly, lead me to comply with the script.
The scripts are broken by generating an antithesis first. This means we change the spell to a positive one. But this is not enough.
We need to be stronger than our destiny, we need Power. As long as I identified myself with the Sad Child from the past, it wasn’t possible to own the Power. Now, as an Adult, I do have the Power to re-program the inner software, this basically meaning that I “divorced” from my Mother, Father, other Parental Figures and, of course, the powerful Grandma.
The second thing we need is Protection. Family, friends, our Life the way we know it, will try to re-enact the spell. The Child needs a strong Adult next to him, a wise Self and the fanatic Grandpa D., always mindful about spells.
The third thing we need is the Permission not to enact or perform the script of the spell. Therefore, I can now write at last, the counter-spell:
“I give to myself the permission to easily connect to others, to have true friends, to build a loving family, to enjoy life and to fulfill my dreams. No matter what I do, I allow myself to succeed. I grant to myself the permission to believe that everything will turn well for myself”.
I never met Grandpa D. He died before I was born. But somehow, he managed to magically appear in me when I needed him. I’m grateful to him and to the fact that from somewhere beyond time, he still guards me…
Note, September 9, 2014:
Although it is wise not to rely on feelings and the inner voice in case you own a nasty script, avoiding feelings in the decisional process may lead us to do only what we must or have to, hence removing all the color the feelings bring in our life. At this point, Grandpa D. can’t help. It is Myself who must re-create, re-build healthy feelings, replacing the misleading ones with chosen ones. This proves to be a long process.