Written on Tuesday, June 19, 2012 (two more articles and I'm done with archiving old stuff)
I am a sad child.
I wasn’t so from the beginning, although I can’t remember how I used to be before. All I can remember is loneliness and sadness, but somehow, I know this is not me. There are moments in my life when I recognize myself – the one I used to be. And then, in the blink of an eye, I see again the sad me…
I used to play alone. I was not at ease among other children. They annoyed me, they harassed me, they made fun of me. And then, I hated them. They were dumb. They were bringing to the surface what was worst in me.
When playing alone, there are certain advantages. One of them is that you can be the one who decides all the moves. In your fantasy world, you are the One. You can change things according to your will and this gives you an overwhelming sense of power. It’s fantastic to play God. Being God, you don’t have to negotiate, and even if you negotiate, you pretend to negotiate, because you already know the outcome.
But then, there are those nasty games, the ones in which you need somebody else so as to play. I hated them. I tried to avoid them. And if I absolutely had to play them, I was always choosing weaker opponents.
Weak companions are perfect; they can be easily controlled or overcome. This restores a little bit of my godly powers. With the passing of time, I defeated many competitors. I crushed them. I played weak in order to surprise them and then I stroke them when they least expected it. But I’ve always carefully chosen my battles.
Now I’m getting bored. I played all the lonely games. There are no more. Then I played most of the multiple player games. I can’t find any competitor to size me, so I’m getting bored as well.
And then came this seesaw game…
You know what’s a seesaw? It’s a piece of wood on which 2 children play by sitting at the extremities and balancing each other. Looks like a funny game. But ya’ know something? This is a game I can’t play.
Because I must let go.
I must let go the power, the control, my godly aura. It’s a game in which, in order to play, you must rely on the other. You must let go, then alternately, the other must let go. I’m reluctant. Can I trust the other one?
The problem with this game is that you can’t play it alone. You can’t move the seesaw by yourself; it is made in such a way that you simply can’t play alone. It’s a vicious game. You MUST accept someone in your game; there is no escape. IF you want to play it… And… I’m a curious guy, so I want to play it, wanna feel how it is.
Then, there is another problem. Even if I accept someone to share the seesaw with, this is not enough. That other child must agree to play. He can easily ruin the game by pretending he wants to play while in fact he doesn’t really want to. Then, we must negotiate the rules of the game. That’s a tough one, because when I was playing alone, it was me who decided the rules of the game. The problem with the seesaw game is that, in order to make it work, we must agree on the moment when I let go and when he lets go. Otherwise, it doesn’t work. Quite a philosophy for a piece of wood, don’t you think so?
Finally, there is another problem. Even if we finally agree to play together, even if we succeed in negotiating the rules, and even if we can theoretically play, we might not play at all. What if the other child is too heavy? What if I’m too heavy? It won’t work. We will never find the point of balance, of equilibrium, between us.
For some time now, I want to play this new game. I understood I must let go in order to play. I understood I must negotiate the rules. I understood we must be just about the same intrinsic value. But I couldn’t find a suitable partner to play with.
Look! I’m sitting in the park and I’m waiting for another child that might enjoy the same game. I even invited the other children to play with me, but nothing happened so far.
What would YOU say…? Dare to play with me?