Because I Love The Blue Sky

20140505I’m in a bus that is taking me to a large shopping center. I look around me and see the same city I know, the same people, the same stuff. I wanted to leave this place, now I’m back here, taken by unseen forces.

I feel dissociated. I’m apparently efficient and act normally, but my soul is like a stone. All my dreams collapsed when I knew I had no option but to return. I live a lot in the future and fantasy, and when something happens to my future plans, I’m shaken. This is the price for living in the future.

The world is divided between the majority who enjoys the moment and is fine with the present, and the minority who wants to change the world, who believes there is always room for improvement. Roughly, if you tell me that all you want from life is a salary and a warm workplace, you’re in the majority. But if you have, often deep inside your soul, that desire to change the world, you’re in the minority. And just like me, you’d become mad if you’d be stuck in a situation from which you cannot grow…

The bus continues to move to the mall and I take a seat. What shall I do now? Through the window, I notice the sky. Here in this city where I live, the sky is often full of clouds. In my hometown we have wonderful sunny blue skies. And in an instant, the window of the bus disappears and the Danube cliff stretches in front of me. I see myself some months ago, trapped in my hometown, in quite a similar situation. I had nothing to do but to wait. I did this for many months: wait, and wait, and wait… And I waited until I began to see the blue sky…

I was going every day to the Danube River. This was my only fun for many months. The cliff was the only interesting place in the city. I used to vainly stare in the water and in the sky above, my head full of thoughts. I had to do this over and over again; it was the only way to escape from anxiety and frustration. One day however I became aware of the fact that, apart from the purpose of decreasing my anxiety, I enjoyed looking at the sky… for the fun of it…

For someone who does everything with a purpose, to do something just for the pleasure of it is hellish. Going to see the sky above the Danube when you’re not emotionally disturbed is pointless, useless… a waste of precious time… I know it sounds crazy, but my perception of life is very different from yours. In my case, I had to learn to enjoy life… the hard way.

As this memory subsides, I notice that my bus is approaching its destination. I raise my eyes to the cloudy sky and smile to it. Maybe there is nothing here for me; maybe my return to a life I already know is nothing but a waste of time. But, unlike some time ago when I thought that everything must be done for a purpose, this time I can do something totally different: I can stare to the blue sky, without desires, without purpose and with a lot of gratitude for the fact that I’m still alive and I can do this. It is only now that I can connect the dots and understand that losing my time in the past had a meaning: to teach me to do something so much different from what I commonly do.

2 thoughts on “Because I Love The Blue Sky

  1. Dear Cezar, I am with youon this. I certainly know how it feels to strive for self improvement, for changes in the workplace and around it, to try to be a constantly developing, growing personality and proffesional just to get slapped in the face by a rough reality. I have different reasons but very similar feelings about work situation.
    The salvation from complete disappointment is ability to find and enjoy nice things, such as a blue sky or a chat of swallows by the window. The other great thing is- to master the right attitude, reaction to things happening. It’s not always easy but I think it’s worth to remember the words of Charles R. Swindoll: “I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…”

    Like

    1. Cezar

      Yep, you’re right! I’m working on being aware of my judgment of myself, the others and especially the circumstances I’m into. It’s hard if you’re a judging type though…

      Like

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