I raise my eyes to the guy who said this.
It’s a colleague I know for many years, one of those who stayed in one place while I wandered in many places of this world. I greet him back.
“How’s your life now?”
“I’ve returned here again.”
We exchange some banalities and then we shake hands and he departs.
I feel good. My inner eye perceives an increase in my sense of power. The guy is not a nobody in the city, yet he stopped and greeted me, without any expectation. A normal thing when you meet someone. But why do I feel good?
There was a time when I was thinking that my power lies in being accepted, approved or recognized by the others. Been there… Didn’t heal that yet…
I smile at the instinctive emotion I got. It’s a lie. My real power has nothing to do with the fact that I’m back, that I’m a doctor and I have a job again (something that is socially significant in Romania). I was lost, unemployed and weak, and still had my inner power, something that can’t be taken by life events.
Despite my awareness on my source of power – quite a laughable situation if I look back – I still feel good about meeting my colleague. It’s not only the normal happiness, it’s something more. It’s something that adds to the normal emotion. It’s something that my colleague unknowingly has given to me. Something that I’m probably not giving to myself and expect from the outside. Attention. Recognition. Acceptance. All these given unconditionally.
This is how you get dependent. This is how you become vulnerable. Since that moment, I vowed to take myself into consideration more often. And feel good when I occasionally say to myself: “Hello Cezar!”